How to manage high expectations of yourself

We are often our own harshest critics.

43% feel pressure to live up to their own high expectations of themselves.

According to a study by Microsoft Surface, people under 30 are more likely to have this mental attitude then older people.

This might explain why in a separate study by FutureYou Cambridge, 90% of people aged 18-34 feel stressed – again, the emotion was felt on a much bigger scale than in older people.

It makes sense – young people are known as ‘generation rent’, are more likely to have financial concerns, are at the start of their careers, and may have less personal stability.

Dr Jane McNeill, a psychologist from Clinical Partners, tells us high expectations that cause us stress often reveal an issue of self-worth.

‘Self-belief, self-confidence and self-esteem are inextricably linked,’ she says.

‘Self-belief is how much we believe in ourselves, our abilities, our judgements and what we think we can and can’t do. Self-esteem is literally how we value ourselves, how we rate ourselves and judge our worth in the world.

‘So the opposite of low-esteem is not high self-esteem, it’s more about self-acceptance.’

She advises trying two tasks to get a better sense of whether your high expectations are coming from a place of insecurity:

Priory psychotherapist and counsellor Dee Johnson tells Metro.co.uk that it’s important to make sure any high expectations don’t affect how your self-worth.

She says: ‘It’s about self-esteem and not putting “conditions” on what makes you worthy and of value, such as “I am only any good if I have a certain job, salary, exam mark”.

‘It’s healthy to have goals, but very destructive and confidence-destroying to think you are not of value unless you achieve everything you think you should.

‘From this you will feel less pressured, and then less anxious and that everything has to be a struggle.’

If personal value is derived from meeting high standards set for oneself, feelings of unworthiness can arise if someone falls short or can’t achieve all the things they set out to.

Dee explains: ‘Show the same compassion and humanity to yourself as you do to others.

‘Real love is unconditional, and we can learn to accept our errors but without punishing ourselves for it.

‘We should show such love without condition, and not expect a pay-off in return.’

Alongside seeking professional help if necessary, there are practical things you can do to manage the high expectations themselves so they don’t become all consuming.

Ailsa Frank, hypnotherapist from Feel Amazing App, says it’s important to stop chasing sometimes as ‘you will never feel satisfied with what you’ve achieved so far’.

It’s key to make a point of being pleased with yourself for what you have achieved so far.

She says: ‘Try to see the bigger picture rather than putting pressure on yourself.

‘Set goals for daily, weekly, monthly, annual and for the various stages of your future.

‘Use the 80% rule – you don’t need everything to be 100%. As a high achiever, 80% is the equivalent to another person’s 100%.’

High standards can drive you forward, motivate you and reveal your ambition.

But when they cause heightened levels of stress, it’s time to step back.

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